Befaffled

welcome

Today instead of my normal blog I wrote a poem. A poem because to contain what I am feeling, I think I would explode or implode.

Not meant for anyone specifically and ironically this may offend and some may feel disrespected.

This poem is born out of the frustration of the world seeking so much, you lose yourself to a point where you despise yourself and others wonder why!

It is a reflection perhaps on the confusion that people feel about themselves of which, I am just as guilty.

The main difference is, I may not be unique in what I say, in the parts that others say but I will see beyond what you project because I see the hidden.

My poem. Some may relate to it.

“Which “me” do you want “me” to be!

Today I was asked not to be “me” because you said “me” being “me” disrespected you, (not true, this made me blue) yet you like other parts of “me”, so you ask me to modify “me”

“You are not alone in not liking a part of “me” for others also, do not like other parts of “me” – which I then try to modify so I am not “me” yet they also say, the part of “me” you do not like- they like, because it what makes me “me”

I have modified “me” so many times over the years I no longer know “me” and the “me” I do know now I don’t want to know because it’s not “me”

Which “me” do you want me to be, because you don’t want me to be that “me” but you still want me to be “me”

only it’s the “me” you want me to be when it suits you! “me” being “me” disrespected you, (not true, this made me blue) yet you like other parts of “me”, so you ask me to modify “me”

“You are not alone in not liking a part of “me” for others also do not like other parts of “me” which I then try to modify so i am not “me” yet they also say, the part of “me” you do not like- they like, because it what makes me “me”

I have modified “me” so many times over the years I no longer know “me” and the “me” I do know now I don’t want to know because it’s not “me”

Which “me” do you want me to be, because you don’t want me to be that “me” but you still want me to be “me”

only it’s the “me” you want me to be when it suits you

My personal reflection:

I reflect on this and discover I am guilty of this, perhaps I try and change others to how it suits me. I am changing this and I am constantly trying to change this.

How do we change without losing ourselves any further than we already have?

The irony is even the “found” (I have found) are not as “found” as they would like to believe or project on to others.

The befafflement of life.

Thanks for reading,

propic (2)

Steven Alexander

“Aim High, Aim Higher” Alexander Simmonds

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Sea of life

Isnt’ it amazing how we can be having a good day or maybe an ok day.. Or a surviving day, but it can take just the smallest thing to send us into crisis mode? The sea of life can be cruel sometimes right!

Today for me it was an a moment at work, something unplanned happened and I had no time to prepare, and the conversation that followed just sent the rest of the evening into a blur.. Crazy right, is it just me this happens to? But it honestly sent me into a spiral for a while after.

I received a few unpleasant ┬átext messages, which also had the same affect and both knocked me off balance. – Maybe “one of them days!”

Sometimes It feels like I am treading water just trying to keep my head above the waves yet when each incident such as this happens it feels like a huge tidal wave crashing.

I couldn’t help but think of one of my favorite actors known for many roles such as Mrs doubt fire, dead poets society, pop eye, good morning Vietnam, mork and mindy, jumanji, to name a few. This guy was known for his humor his smiles, zany ness, yet underneath he appeared quite the opposite. I wonder if Robin Williams ever felt misunderstood or that people were so reliant on him being so jovial he was never his true self around them?

Do you ever feel like you hide your true self from others?

There are days where I feel I have things “sorted” but it ends up being a cover for the truth.

Some days it’s a struggle, a battle to not give up and embrace the world, some days as much as I may want to… It’s like a huge mental/ physical wall that stops me.

My to do list gets ever longer, never seems to go down.

It’s amazing how we can fight one form of control yet still be controlled by another.!

As defeated as I would like to feel, and fighting is exhausting, I choose to continue to fight, for while we fight, it is a sign we are still alive!

KEEP FIGHTING!

Stay safe my friends. <><

P. S there was a photo of a chair in a previous blog. The waves were threatening to take it as it lay on the beach to rot.

I rescued it and polished it and gave it a home.