Beat Brokenness

Welcome.

This post today is about those feelings of inner brokenness and how to over come them.

Have you ever felt broken? This does mean to suggest you are actually broken, but it sure feels like that! – “Hang in there!”

I know about brokenness! Today I broke down in tears just listening to a piece of music, have you ever done that?

There was a song I had had in my mind for over two weeks.

I am not sure where it came from or why, but there I was at work, always at work with this tune in my head.

Despite not knowing what it was I was determined to find it and listen to it.

It was almost like I had a date with destiny, and I did not want to miss out on no date.

What was so important about this particular song I had to find out.

So I began my search, and there she was..

Within literally seconds I am in floods of tears. It was like meeting a friend who was waiting for me, who had been waiting for me and here I was a gibbering mess on my knees in a ball in front of them as they put their arms around me, and just held me….

They said nothing, just held me tight, and I sobbed and they held me tighter. They wanted nothing from me.. I had nothing to give, I had nothing to give.

For so so long, years and years I had held on to so much stuff, secrets, abuse. hurts, those things which I had never shared .

I had spent so long surviving it was literally making me weaker and by not dealing with the brokenness, because no one wants to hang out with sad or depressed people, I carried more and more stuff by myself.

Not only did I carry my stuff, I carried years of other peoples brokenness too because they needed someone to be  there for them and I would never take that back, they are the most beautiful soulful people ever, and I will cherish them.It has been beautiful to see them grow and know I have been a part of their journey,

I refused to ask nothing from these folks only to believe in themselves and where they wanted to be, and to see them flourish was my goal….And how they soared and me so proud.

I found however, each time as heart warming as this was, I knew at some point they would move on or I would have to move on and this has honestly been a lonely journey. As good as a friend they may have become they could not take away what was at my core, and that was fine, I knew this was my journey.

And now I sit and listen to this song on repeat “as time stands still” and it feels like I have come to a time in my life of battle battle battle and finally scarred, bitten, broken feeling, I lift my head… and say to my myself ..”I survived.…..I survived…. but now it is time to stop just existing but to live.. and this means letting go.. not just a bit,, but all…. ALL OF IT!

In this moment, this paused moment, I do not have to be strong, I do not have to be some one else’s light, I do not have to be that father, that son, that husband, that colleague, that guru, that happy go lucky person, that annoying person, the person who fails, the person who does not measure up, that person who is never good enough…

*****Here I am in my utter rawness******

This person stands and tries to lift me up…. As I am unable to stand instead they kneel beside me

kneeling beside someone
I am with you

I look up and see who it is who is there… and it is me… only a different version, it is hard to explain, but they whisper…. “I have been waiting a long time for you, I do not believe we have met properly but I have been there, you know that right?”

I nod.

“come!” he says… “It is time!”

“Time for what? “ I ask

“you will see, this is your time…………………………………………………………….”

I get up leaving all my baggage. I do not need that for where I am going. I am now free.

I am free!

It has taken a long time to get here!

As I look around behind me, those who I have helped both dead and alive are standing together ushering me on…… and together they say…..

“This is your time… thank you for helping us, but it is now time to help yourself… and guess what, if ever you need us.. we are still here, we got your back..but go now… its time to go now………”

and it reminds me from the last scene of  one of my favourite films “Labyrinth.

“should you need us.”

Thank you everyone, and thank you for reading this!

GOURANGA! (BE HAPPY)

If you have been affected by this post or can relate and want to chat about things or need someone to listen. Please do not hesitate to get in touch.

Steven Alexander,

“Aim High – Aim Higher” Alexander Simmonds

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Toxic TaT! Together Against Toxic.

Welcome.

toxic
/ˈtɒksɪk/
adjective
  1. 1.
    poisonous.
    “the dumping of toxic waste”
    synonyms: poisonousvenomousvirulentnoxiousdangerousdestructiveharmfulunsafemalignantinjuriouspestilentialperniciousenvironmentally unfriendly;

Today’s topic is about the toxic “stuff” in our lives. Do you have anything toxic you want or need to get rid of.

Toxic

What does that word mean to you, if anything?

This is a subject I wanted to talk about a while back, but was something I was struggling with myself.

Reading a few other peoples blogs however, this word keeps cropping up time and time again.

As a fan of quotes, I wanted to insert, a phrase I seem to be hearing a lot:

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results” – I am not sure if I agree with this!

I think there are occasions in life where if you are persistent or persevere long enough, you can get a different result – not everyone will agree.

I have been thinking a lot about life recently, and I would love to get rid of the toxic things in my life. By toxic, I mean the things that either make my life hard or that I would be better without i.e not good for me, unhealthy, distractions, harmful etc.

In order to do this, I had to write a list of the so called “toxic” things in my life.

So these were a mixture of:

Thoughts….some times I can hold on to negative things that have been said to me or about me..this makes me sad, doubt myself and feel like, (fill in your own word) I no longer want to let those things or people have power over me.

Words…sometimes I can be filled with hate, or contempt for another. My own bitterness can cause toxicity. I do not want to be like that even if I do it in self preservation or protection, it’s not who I am. My words can be cruel and can hurt because I am hurting.

A phrase I heard recently rings true for me “hurt people – hurt people”

People.. Sometimes we need to realise who the toxic people are in our lives and how best to deal with them in a way that we are not victims or that they have authority over us.

Sometimes people may not realise the affect they have on us, even when well intention-ed, and often these can be those closest to us. In their well intentions, they can still hurt thinking they know what’s best for us.

The most damaging phrase I had say to me was.. “I am saying this in love”

The word “love” itself has become toxic to me, and means things I would rather not go into. Some of you out there may be able to relate to what I’m saying.

Actions… This section is harder to write for me as it means being honest and vulnerable, but self harm is a huge thing for me. Most people may think self harm is cutting, but there is so much more to this.

Food for me is my thing, as I feel it’ s possibly the one thing I can control, so it means if I am in a bad place I will either over indulge or not eat.

Neglect of myself is another area I can often suffer from..

While depression can be a part of me I live with, I have to fight hard for it not to control me. This is a hard battle!

Some of my mindset has come from the damaging words and actions which have sunk in deep or play on repeat in my head.

Today I choose not to let ghosts of people past have that authority over me.

In essence toxic can be anything in our life which is not good for us.

I am not saying it is easy to change and sometimes we need very drastic things to happen to get us to that point.

Don’t be afraid to get help.

Maybe if you are fed up and seeking a change, perhaps now is the time!

Let’s do this toxic journey together.

Let’s make today be the start of a new life, new start, no more toxic!

Life can be sweeter! Sweet things can “grow on trees” and yes I have tasted from this tree of life, and it was good!

Peace be with you.

A tree containing lots of sweets
Money does not grow on trees but sweets do

centre parcs

If you would like to talk about anything toxic in your life, please..

do get in touch. or 

Find me on Face Book. 

Come visit again soon,

Steven Alexander

                                                         “Aim high – Aim higher”

 

Losing sight.

Do you ever have one of those days where you just can’t find the things you need. Perhaps normally you wouldn’t think about them or need them, until.. You lose one thing, then another and it appears you have lost everything and you begin to go out of your mind!

Sound familiar?

Tonight is one of those moments, I’m moving things I’m turning the place upside down, I’m fretting… If only I took better care of things, if only I appreciated what I had.. And I am looking and looking.

Great effort is then put into this search and finally all that was lost does get found-phew peace restored.

So what do I learn from this.

Perhaps I learn that I need to take better care of the things I love.

In my distractions and busyness I lose sight of what’s important.

So now my space is a mess and every part of me wants to friek out.. But instead…..

  1. I see it as an opportunity to tidy up the trash

2. start putting things into place

3.bringing things together

4.  bringing order to the chaos.

I can learn that mess whilst messy doesn’t have to control me, I like this.

Slowly I begin to rebuild.

Fancy a chat

Have you ever lost anything or anyone? How did it make you feel?

Did you get those things back?

what do you miss most about them?

God bless ya folks and thanks for reading and following my journey.

N. B ALL COMMENTS AND THOUGHTS WELCOMED.

Metamorphosis.

welcome,

Do people go through a metamorphosis?

If you have been following my journey let me share. If you haven’t and are new – welcome!

Of late things are going crazy. My paper notepad is all used up and I’m on  pad 2 and a voice inside my head whispers.. ”

“You need folders and a filing cabinet..” This sounds extreme but I’m starting to get a glimpse why…

In earlier posts I’ve mentioned this year I’d like to do things that scare me.. And let me share with you since I’ve said that how a whole can of whoop worms are coming out..

So here’s what I’ve done so far.. They may not seem major to you but huge milestones n millstones…

Looking at bank statements – Yep I never used to do this. Not only am I doing this I’m also starting budgeting and saving. I used to hide and fear these. Now I am better but it is a hard mindset to change

Giving blood – fear of blood and needles

Planning for the future.. Never done it.. Live for today but I’m actually thinking about planning for the future and excited about raising money to put into these pots.

Reading.. I hate it.. Find it boring -Now I’m reading blogs articles books on business creating a reading list.

Goal setting. Goal setting.. Just repeating it sends shivers of scariness yet today I’m writing myself goals, short term, long term, goals around goals and these goals make sense and it’s like I actually look forward to doing these and by doing these I’ll get a sense of achievement answerable only to myself.

These are all only in the last couple of weeks and I’m just getting started.

I really couldn’t have done this without you readers, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Maybe if I get the hang of it and you need help with anything perhaps one day I can return the favor.

Grab a coffee or drink and Come follow me on my journey

Need support on your journey or  move forward with your life, Are you wondering how to stop being scared or want to do something scary but…

Drop me a line – let’s chat.

Peace n love

GDPR Policy

BREATHE – YOU GOT THIS! 

Welcome,

Thanks for dropping by.

Sometimes a situation arises, that’s “OK,” an issue begins to consume you.. This is “OK”.. Niggles sneek in…now this is turning into a snowball.. People are making demands of you, life is making demands on you… You are making demands of you and soon you are……………..

Breathe you got this!

Now me….I am a flapper and how I flap. I squark I wave I get no where I’m no use nor ornament (more than normal) anxiety can be a killer!

I’m more of a flight person.. If I could I’d run and how I’d run I’d never look back but sadly this doesn’t make things disappear.

So.. Here’s the thing. I’ve been having some mad dreams and thoughts about doors and opportunities but my heads spinning so much it’s going to fall off and then I get distracted so I’m sharing this to try and regain focus and composure.. So here goes people I’m going in.

This is an actual  dream I have frequently. I’m flying my arms are out and I’m flying above my enemies.

I have this dream a lot which is symbolic because I am beginning to fly and I will soar and rise above those that mock me.. I may even be tempted to do what some birds do in the air, but I wouldn’t stoop so low. So I’m keeping this dream. WORK IN PROGRESS

Writing is another dream, so I’m starting to write poems and have ideas for stories.  ACHIEVABLE.

I would love to end my poverty streak. I am fed up of being in debt and having to watch what I spend. I want to spoil people, give to charity help others, not worry about debts. I know what it is like to be fed up and poor!

ARE YOU FEELING POOR? read this blog >>>>>> – Rich or Poor/poverty or wealthy

This blog sounds quite selfish in many ways but if I get myself right, I can help so many more people, and when I succeed I can teach others who will teach others.

Maybe you already “live your dream,” maybe you already are focused, maybe you are making serious money you don’t have to worry about bills – I applaud you. Please share your tips!

If however you can relate to anything I say then let us journey together. How do you deal with your anxieties?

Maybe we can help each other and others help others. Spread the dream spread the love. Feel free to follow, comment or get in touch.

Peace be with you, thanks for reading.

propic (2)

Steven Alexander,

GDPR Policy

A minion of memories,

Hi, Thanks for dropping by, how are you?

Welcome.

What are your memories? What is your memory like? How do you remember memories?

I live a four hour ride away from my family. It is a far distance to drive and expensive, so I sadly do not see them as much as I would like, but I was off to see them when I was at a petrol/gas station at the start of my journey.

I fill up the car. I go to pay and I enter my pin number. It gets declined. I try several times and it gets blocked. I begin to panic because how do I pay and how can I forget a number I use day in day out and one I’ve used for years. It’s a simple thing yet I’ve genuinely forgotten.

It is like the part of my brain that stores this everyday bit of coding was gone. This was very confusing traumatic and upsetting. What other basic and important things could I forget/have I forgotten already?

With dementia now getting people at a younger age I begin to think how important our memories and our mind is…………..

Remember memories

Make the most of moments,

Capture them,

Experience them,

Share them,

Keep them.

One day I fear my memories will fade and on that day I will need reminders.

Invest your time with folk. – Time is short.

Take more photos or videos- you can never take enough photos.

Look through photos – You will be amazed at what you may have forgotten.

Look at old memory sticks or buy new memory sticks.

Make scrap books – Record your memories for prosperity.

Keep a memory box – A small box that can kept to remind you of times gone by.

Live for moments.. Moments are precious.

Tell those who matter that you love them – Tell them more!

With persistence I found a way past the blockage and to access money.

Sometimes persistence is the key and not giving up. Some relationships in life can be like this. I must remember this.

More Minion Quotes

Thanks for visiting, good to see you here. Feel free to comment or follow.

propic (2)

 Steven Alexander

GDPR

This post can also be found at the below as a resource.

The throne Room  is my RESOURCE site. Feel free to check that and check in from time to time.New free content added regularly. If there are  life resources you think could benefit others and do not mind sharing or directing others towards please let me know.