Beat Brokenness

Welcome.

This post today is about those feelings of inner brokenness and how to over come them.

Have you ever felt broken? This does mean to suggest you are actually broken, but it sure feels like that! – “Hang in there!”

I know about brokenness! Today I broke down in tears just listening to a piece of music, have you ever done that?

There was a song I had had in my mind for over two weeks.

I am not sure where it came from or why, but there I was at work, always at work with this tune in my head.

Despite not knowing what it was I was determined to find it and listen to it.

It was almost like I had a date with destiny, and I did not want to miss out on no date.

What was so important about this particular song I had to find out.

So I began my search, and there she was..

Within literally seconds I am in floods of tears. It was like meeting a friend who was waiting for me, who had been waiting for me and here I was a gibbering mess on my knees in a ball in front of them as they put their arms around me, and just held me….

They said nothing, just held me tight, and I sobbed and they held me tighter. They wanted nothing from me.. I had nothing to give, I had nothing to give.

For so so long, years and years I had held on to so much stuff, secrets, abuse. hurts, those things which I had never shared .

I had spent so long surviving it was literally making me weaker and by not dealing with the brokenness, because no one wants to hang out with sad or depressed people, I carried more and more stuff by myself.

Not only did I carry my stuff, I carried years of other peoples brokenness too because they needed someone to be  there for them and I would never take that back, they are the most beautiful soulful people ever, and I will cherish them.It has been beautiful to see them grow and know I have been a part of their journey,

I refused to ask nothing from these folks only to believe in themselves and where they wanted to be, and to see them flourish was my goal….And how they soared and me so proud.

I found however, each time as heart warming as this was, I knew at some point they would move on or I would have to move on and this has honestly been a lonely journey. As good as a friend they may have become they could not take away what was at my core, and that was fine, I knew this was my journey.

And now I sit and listen to this song on repeat “as time stands still” and it feels like I have come to a time in my life of battle battle battle and finally scarred, bitten, broken feeling, I lift my head… and say to my myself ..”I survived.…..I survived…. but now it is time to stop just existing but to live.. and this means letting go.. not just a bit,, but all…. ALL OF IT!

In this moment, this paused moment, I do not have to be strong, I do not have to be some one else’s light, I do not have to be that father, that son, that husband, that colleague, that guru, that happy go lucky person, that annoying person, the person who fails, the person who does not measure up, that person who is never good enough…

*****Here I am in my utter rawness******

This person stands and tries to lift me up…. As I am unable to stand instead they kneel beside me

kneeling beside someone
I am with you

I look up and see who it is who is there… and it is me… only a different version, it is hard to explain, but they whisper…. “I have been waiting a long time for you, I do not believe we have met properly but I have been there, you know that right?”

I nod.

“come!” he says… “It is time!”

“Time for what? “ I ask

“you will see, this is your time…………………………………………………………….”

I get up leaving all my baggage. I do not need that for where I am going. I am now free.

I am free!

It has taken a long time to get here!

As I look around behind me, those who I have helped both dead and alive are standing together ushering me on…… and together they say…..

“This is your time… thank you for helping us, but it is now time to help yourself… and guess what, if ever you need us.. we are still here, we got your back..but go now… its time to go now………”

and it reminds me from the last scene of  one of my favourite films “Labyrinth.

“should you need us.”

Thank you everyone, and thank you for reading this!

GOURANGA! (BE HAPPY)

If you have been affected by this post or can relate and want to chat about things or need someone to listen. Please do not hesitate to get in touch.

Steven Alexander,

“Aim High – Aim Higher” Alexander Simmonds

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Metamorphosis.

welcome,

Do people go through a metamorphosis?

If you have been following my journey let me share. If you haven’t and are new – welcome!

Of late things are going crazy. My paper notepad is all used up and I’m on  pad 2 and a voice inside my head whispers.. ”

“You need folders and a filing cabinet..” This sounds extreme but I’m starting to get a glimpse why…

In earlier posts I’ve mentioned this year I’d like to do things that scare me.. And let me share with you since I’ve said that how a whole can of whoop worms are coming out..

So here’s what I’ve done so far.. They may not seem major to you but huge milestones n millstones…

Looking at bank statements – Yep I never used to do this. Not only am I doing this I’m also starting budgeting and saving. I used to hide and fear these. Now I am better but it is a hard mindset to change

Giving blood – fear of blood and needles

Planning for the future.. Never done it.. Live for today but I’m actually thinking about planning for the future and excited about raising money to put into these pots.

Reading.. I hate it.. Find it boring -Now I’m reading blogs articles books on business creating a reading list.

Goal setting. Goal setting.. Just repeating it sends shivers of scariness yet today I’m writing myself goals, short term, long term, goals around goals and these goals make sense and it’s like I actually look forward to doing these and by doing these I’ll get a sense of achievement answerable only to myself.

These are all only in the last couple of weeks and I’m just getting started.

I really couldn’t have done this without you readers, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Maybe if I get the hang of it and you need help with anything perhaps one day I can return the favor.

Grab a coffee or drink and Come follow me on my journey

Need support on your journey or  move forward with your life, Are you wondering how to stop being scared or want to do something scary but…

Drop me a line – let’s chat.

Peace n love

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