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Some of my friends have asked how they can help or support me. Just by being my friend is more than enough as I have lots of Debbie Downer days, (bad down days) so emails, messages, are all good. (Sms – save my soul)
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Eventually if I ever get anyone interested in, or need of my services, I can still use paypal as a form of easy payment or send me a “BITCOIN” (I banter)
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Many years ago I stood on the roof top of a very large apartment block. I was with a friend.
It was partly to be rebellious, as for safety reasons it was not safe to be there. It was risky, dangerous.
We walked around the ledge 14 storeys high looking down, sheesh was high.
It was wild, free, we laughed.
But later we chatted through our lives as we sat on the edge. My friends dad would beat him regularly, my life was going down the pan. We were both spiraling, having given up on life and not caring about consequences.
I stood up on the ledge and looked down, my friend further away did the same. The same thought came to our minds……..to jump!
As I was about to a voice appeared to whisper to me.. “do not jump I love you”
The word “love” was a dirty word to me so not one I used. The voice whispered again… “I love you”
Tears fell from my face uncontrollably. I had not heard those words said meaningfully in many many years. I Cried.
I stepped back and pulled my friend away, and said.. “don’t jump, I love you mate…”
As crowds had gathered and sirens were roaring… We left the roof and never spoke of it again or shared it..
A Different Perspective
SO what do you think of when you hear the word “Jump?” What thoughts or emotions go through your head?
“Jump just jump”
– Imagine the scene! (or perhaps read the one below instead)
A parent is encouraging their child to jump into the water at the local swimming pool. The parent is there, arms open wide, their child inches away, but for some reason the child will not jump.
“I got you, I got you, you will be fine.” the parent soothes expectantly, and hopeful..
“I will catch you! you will be safe!“
The parent just wonders why their child does not trust them or what is stopping them.
The child looks first at the water, then to the parent, then back at the water. It sees the deep deep water, “what if I sink? what if my parent does not catch me, what if I fall?…….”
Then.. at that moment (or an eternity for the parent) the child makes the decision.. jump and face the consequences (which they know) of not jumping or jump and not know.. can they.. will they trust …is this faith to jump?
Have you ever been afraid of something, and you just do not know why? It is crazy right?
Sometimes there can be no rhyme or reason , or something you can put your finger on yet – yet there it is that “THING” again that just stops you!
Perhaps this blog is not you, and you can breathe because you can relax! You took that jump or several.. you have no issues with trust!
“Wow” – I so want to be that person, I want to be you! FEARLESS.
I did not want to write this blog today because it meant owning up to the fact that:
I have fears and insecurities – I have doubts and trust issues.
I do not want to admit that or share that with the world!
I am a man, an adult, what is that about?
I do not know how to deal with the above emotions it is hard, so hard..so when people share these things with me, I can relate, I can so relate, but I think it is ok to be scared!
I will say that again, It is ok to be scared!
Fear although can stop us, and be a self-defense mechanism to keep us safe, but being sacred is also about saying – “do you know what.. I am worried..”
And now…… we can “dialogue” – I love that word. I had to actually look up that word then, but this is what the first site said:
“To take part in a conversation or discussion to resolve a problem”
So now we are speaking or voicing our worries…and maybe we can get answers to these problems, by talking them through, or finding out.
I was scared about two things tonight…
Writing this blog today because I know there are things in my life which I need to “jump” into which are huge pools for me and unknown…
The second thing was using the phone and chatting to a friend who I have known for years.
But.…what harm could come to me writing a simple blog or speaking to a friend.
It is fair to add that it also “ok” not to “jump” sometimes the pressures to jump can have the opposite effect, in my first story, life was so bad I thought about it. If yours is… If you need to vent or dialogue, get in touch or chat to someone.
If we are asked to jump, and we are not ready, this may not end well, but other times we jump with hope and, faith, or fingers crossed in some circumstances.
Some of us may even do a risk assessment before we do anything and weigh up the risks. – welcome to risk management.
Jump or not jump?
“ToDay I JumPed.”
If you need to dialogue with somebody, or have no where to go or no one to go to, but you want help getting over your fears.
A few people have been talking to me about this feeling of life not going anywhere, they feel like they are drifting, have nothing to offer, or no value, they want more but…….
I feel like this sometimes, so if this is you or some one you know, this blog is just for you.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag Drifting thought the wind Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin Like a house of cards One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep Six feet under scream But no one seems to hear a thing?”
I was in a place of questioning life, everything, doubts, self issues, you name it, and as depressed as I became I began to grapple the above questions, even more so when this song came on. In the end I had to search for it, but in a way it was like the “Alpha and Omega” beginning and end for me.
I am not a fan of being called “baby” as a term of affection, but as I write this blog right now, I am actually re thinking that word “baby” as a way of describing .. an actual “baby” like someone is singing to a baby inspiring it, encouraging it to be great. As mature as we may be, I think there will always be that inner child in us, and to our parents, we will always be their child.
For those this blog is for, you will get what I am talking about and relate to a level. For others of you, who are are not in this place yourself – awesome, but you may come across others who are – YOU CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE and not – GIVE LIFE!
This song is not everyone’s flavor, but look beyond personal preferences, if only for those folks that need you. “You just gotta ignite the light And let it shine.”
“You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow”
If you want to talk, share, or need someone to chat through stuff
Imagine you are have been given custody of a child for a short time. You have been tasked by the agency that within this time you are to prepare this baby for the biggest thing they will ever have to face.
Its called “Life!”
Let’s face it, you have experience in this. You are living testimonies, and have survived so far right.
Just for fun, and pure imagination.. You are tasked with equipping this baby so it’s ready, but you only have a short time and dont know how long you have it for, but you have to make it “ready” as much as you are able.
The backpack is a metaphorical one.
What advice would you give this baby in order to prepare it for “life? ”
What are the things you wished someone had told you, or that you wish you had listened to?
If you was to leave a legacy or a footprint in life, what would it be?
I feel like a precious glass vase that somehow has a crack in it and holes, and that vase once full of one thing is now being filled with others – trying to be debt free,support myself and my family, trying to find “my Voice” my “identity” “my way”, trying to set up a digital lifestyle so I can “work on my terms”
What if anything do I have to say that’s of any value, and is there any point to these blogs of mine- in fact what is my point? Have you ever felt like that?
I guess we all have our reasons for being on here but one way or another I feel we are all connected whether we know it yet or not.
I want to connect with those that feel unconnected or disconnected, the strugglers, the survivors, the success story tellers, the trying hard but missing the mark, the believers, the non non believers, the coffee and tea drinkers and everything inbetweeners.
This blog is to connect those that have been wronged and wronged others, for the raw, for the hurt-for the survivor. It offers a safe place to be true to one self.
Here is for the lost and the abandoned and forgotten. The prodigals,the searchers, the left behinders and back sliders.
This blog is for all who needs some one.
I feel like we are that missing piece to each others jigsaws.
For those that feel like they have crashed and burned, this a song by savage garden.
I am looking in my inbox today, and in a way it’s great, as I never feel alone. when I look in this, a lot of people want my attention, I must be popular, right!
but then I look and it’s……….kinda overwhelming. There is so much trash in my life, and this is just one email address. Oh my!
I want to press the the “delete all” button, but know I must sift through at some point and keep what is good and get rid of the trash.
As I am reflecting on this, it got me thinking that life is perhaps like this sometimes. We take on stuff, or sign up to stuff, and take on more and more and more stuff, and on top of this there is the life demands. I do not know how people cope? what are their strategies, I want in!
I want to scream “stop!” jump on a grey hound bus and say “see ya lata” and escape, or hail a “yellow taxi” in New York, or sail down the river in Paris, or drink fine coffee in Italy, do something crazy like a skinny dip in a cool pond, and then I shall return,
Maybe I can’t afford to escape in the physical, but in that moment all burdens were off, it felt amazing!
Thank you to those who follow me, and for likes, and being a part of this thing we call life.
Today’s topic is about the toxic “stuff” in our lives. Do you have anything toxic you want or need to get rid of.
What does that word mean to you, if anything?
This is a subject I wanted to talk about a while back, but was something I was struggling with myself.
Reading a few other peoples blogs however, this word keeps cropping up time and time again.
As a fan of quotes, I wanted to insert, a phrase I seem to be hearing a lot:
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results” – I am not sure if I agree with this!
I think there are occasions in life where if you are persistent or persevere long enough, you can get a different result – not everyone will agree.
I have been thinking a lot about life recently, and I would love to get rid of the toxic things in my life. By toxic, I mean the things that either make my life hard or that I would be better without i.e not good for me, unhealthy, distractions, harmful etc.
In order to do this, I had to write a list of the so called “toxic” things in my life.
So these were a mixture of:
Thoughts….some times I can hold on to negative things that have been said to me or about me..this makes me sad, doubt myself and feel like, (fill in your own word) I no longer want to let those things or people have power over me.
Words…sometimes I can be filled with hate, or contempt for another. My own bitterness can cause toxicity. I do not want to be like that even if I do it in self preservation or protection, it’s not who I am. My words can be cruel and can hurt because I am hurting.
A phrase I heard recently rings true for me “hurt people – hurt people”
People.. Sometimes we need to realise who the toxic people are in our lives and how best to deal with them in a way that we are not victims or that they have authority over us.
Sometimes people may not realise the affect they have on us, even when well intention-ed, and often these can be those closest to us. In their well intentions, they can still hurt thinking they know what’s best for us.
The most damaging phrase I had say to me was.. “I am saying this in love”
The word “love” itself has become toxic to me, and means things I would rather not go into. Some of you out there may be able to relate to what I’m saying.
Actions… This section is harder to write for me as it means being honest and vulnerable, but self harm is a huge thing for me. Most people may think self harm is cutting, but there is so much more to this.
Food for me is my thing, as I feel it’ s possibly the one thing I can control, so it means if I am in a bad place I will either over indulge or not eat.
Neglect of myself is another area I can often suffer from..
While depression can be a part of me I live with, I have to fight hard for it not to control me. This is a hard battle!
Some of my mindset has come from the damaging words and actions which have sunk in deep or play on repeat in my head.
Today I choose not to let ghosts of people past have that authority over me.
In essence toxic can be anything in our life which is not good for us.
I am not saying it is easy to change and sometimes we need very drastic things to happen to get us to that point.
Don’t be afraid to get help.
Maybe if you are fed up and seeking a change, perhaps now is the time!
Let’s do this toxic journey together.
Let’s make today be the start of a new life, new start, no more toxic!
Life can be sweeter! Sweet things can “grow on trees” and yes I have tasted from this tree of life, and it was good!
Isnt’ it amazing how we can be having a good day or maybe an ok day.. Or a surviving day, but it can take just the smallest thing to send us into crisis mode? The sea of life can be cruel sometimes right!
Today for me it was an a moment at work, something unplanned happened and I had no time to prepare, and the conversation that followed just sent the rest of the evening into a blur.. Crazy right, is it just me this happens to? But it honestly sent me into a spiral for a while after.
I received a few unpleasant text messages, which also had the same affect and both knocked me off balance. – Maybe “one of them days!”
Sometimes It feels like I am treading water just trying to keep my head above the waves yet when each incident such as this happens it feels like a huge tidal wave crashing.
I couldn’t help but think of one of my favorite actors known for many roles such as Mrs doubt fire, dead poets society, pop eye, good morning Vietnam, mork and mindy, jumanji, to name a few. This guy was known for his humor his smiles, zany ness, yet underneath he appeared quite the opposite. I wonder if Robin Williams ever felt misunderstood or that people were so reliant on him being so jovial he was never his true self around them?
Do you ever feel like you hide your true self from others?
There are days where I feel I have things “sorted” but it ends up being a cover for the truth.
Some days it’s a struggle, a battle to not give up and embrace the world, some days as much as I may want to… It’s like a huge mental/ physical wall that stops me.
My to do list gets ever longer, never seems to go down.
It’s amazing how we can fight one form of control yet still be controlled by another.!
As defeated as I would like to feel, and fighting is exhausting, I choose to continue to fight, for while we fight, it is a sign we are still alive!
Stay safe my friends. <><
P. S there was a photo of a chair in a previous blog. The waves were threatening to take it as it lay on the beach to rot.
So got excited the other day at the news that mcdonalds had their monoply game out again. (that is my board right there!)
I began to get excited thinking of the large meals, and prizes we could win but the chance of winning the big prizes or just extra fries excites me.. but this is my guilty pleasure, and we all need guilty pleasures right? it’s like covert gambling with an excuse to eat more (sorry slimming world)
The thought of getting grand central station prize of…. 10% off a product oo exciting!
The lure of potentially winning and being a winner is appealing. I want to be a winner!
I notice that that our lottery is a double or triple roll over, that’s awesome, as I would love to win that. My mind boggles at what I would do with the money, a yacht, a holiday, what new friends I may have!
I would get a big house with cinema, games room, swimming pool and car, well cars, 4×4, a sports car, a city car, a van, I have always wanted a van, and be a van man, quad bike, speed boat……
This kinda got me thinking… What is it that makes us a winner, what does success look like, feel like?
It is possible have never experienced what it is to be successful or a winner.
I think I won a running race when I was about 6, and I got a swimming medal once… Wow I felt on top of the world, maybe that’s what being a winner feels like, that rush that glow!
But then does it matter if we are not a winner? Is life about winning and losing or is it about surviving?
Is life perhaps like a game of mcdonalds monoply?
This reminds me of that question of whether a glass is half empty or half full.
Now I know a few drinkers who would actually argue a half measure of drink is actually no good at all.
Sometimes I wonder if I am living a “half measure” life.
Should I be happy with my lot in life, the cards I have been dealt? Surely I should be more gracious when others are worse off?
I used to live my life feeling a failure, and to a degree there are elements where I still do, but the difference between success and failure is whether you pick yourself up and try again when your chips are down.
I appreciate there will be those that may disagree or whoose experience is different.
I used to despise the “have’s” as I was a “have not” however now I realise if I strive, if I work hard, if I want something enough I can get it.
Maybe just maybe… to quote a great british sitcom character.. “this time next year rodney, we will be millionnairres.”
Stay strong folks, never give up!
Pssst.. For what it’s worth, I believe we are all winners in our own way, some of us just don’t believe it yet. “Even if everybody says it’s impossible, with determination, there is always something you can do. The last thing is to give up without trying” Bangambiki Habyarimana.
This a photo of a cafe I sometimes go to near me! I think the words are great!