This is rather a sensitive subject so I apologise.

Do we get to choose life or death, in our own life, and how do we live, (if you do) with those feelings that almost whisper you to… How do I put this sensitively… “End everything”

New years eve I was sat in my car over looking the cliff. It was late, it was dark, no one around, an urge to just put my foot down was strong.

Looking back in life there have been other occasions where life was bad, and I was looking for a way out.

The sad thing is, when I shared this with who I would consider the most important people in my life the response was on the lines of.. “how selfish”

If you have ever been in this state of mind you would know that such a response rather than draw you away from those feelings and intentions actually push you closer.

My favorite response is the “attention seeking” one!

In some ways I both envy and pity such people. I pity their ignorance, their lack of empathy and understanding yet envy them that they have maybe never been in that place.

So today I was thinking about this subject, if and when I get like that, do I really want to end things or is there something internal or mentally that I just need to get out my system?

Perhaps life is…

Throwing too many balls – we might need to let some things go!

Perhaps we are trying to please too many people – you cannot please everyone.

Perhaps we are overwhelmed – are we taking on too much?

Perhaps we are struggling with seeing the wood through the trees,

Perhaps we need someone to listen…….or something completely different.

There are times I’m in that place and I feel I have no one to share this with. Friends will say “I’m there for you” which offers some comfort but we don’t want to drag them into our issues, and to be honest sometimes we don’t know what we want but there’s something inside screaming or crying.

I don’t confess to have the answers. I just know that this is one of my battles.I wish I had advice or wise words or a solution to make the feelings go away and medication won’t do it, but instead:-

Isn’t it amazing though, that some people just don’t know you or get you? How does that make you feel?

If you are in that place or know others, then don’t go through this alone.

 I sit and stand with you beside you, no words, and I understand, I understand.

When I can’t go to people, I turn to poetry or writing which is a huge step for me as I would rather just self harm or break things. Use creativity and expression to be creative and express.

Please spare a thought for those who are struggling, or if it is you and need to chat please get in touch.

Peace be with you.